I used to think that no one else could relate to me. This site taught me otherwise and many of my feelings were expressed in some of your stories.Unlike your other contributers, I am still in H.S. [freshman]. After reading the stories on this site, I felt compelled to share my own.
The torment commenced in 5th grade. Boys [yes, it was always boys] would constantly say they would beat me up and gestured like they were going to shoot me. No one really helped me too much, except for this one girl [who later turned on me] who saw them doing the shooting gestures, whihc I tried to ignore] and went w/ me to the teacher along w/ this other girl. The teacher talked to them, and things quieted down a bit, but then started up again the next year. In addition to the beating threats, I now got threats of being stabbed, shot, killed, the works. The racist comments really got going then, such as the classic "Go back to China!" "Dumb chink" "You could be blkindfolded w/ dental floss." A Hispanic boy came in this time, and he was among the worse of them, even though I did nothing to provoke him or anyone else. The suicidal feelings emerged here. I never had any thoughts of killing my classmates [though if I had access to a gun, I would have been very quick to blow my brains out]. There were some nice people, but they were distant and passive about the whole thing.
Then came 7th grade. The derision and threats continued. The teacher sat the Hispanic boy [the majority of my school was white, and I was the only Asian until mid- 8th grade, when a Korean boy came in. More on that later.] right behind me, and when I asked her [privately] to move him, she told me "we have to deal w/ him there". He would stab me with pencils and take the metal off one of those wooden rulers w/ a copper edge and say he would strangle me w/ it. He also punched me in the back once. Luckily, the teacher saw him and sent him to the office, and it never hapened again. After I broke down told my mom, she went to the teacher, and he was finally moved away from me. However, he started to jeer me w/ "You think you're so cool, you went and told the teacher." and it continued, even after the principal was notified. She took him out of class and talked to him, but it didn't help.
8th grade, ah good ol' 8th grade. Naturally nothing stopped and now people were calling me a psycho and an animal b/c I hit my tormenters several times [although no actual fights erupted] after nothing else [ignore, saying stop, authorities] worked. I evensent to the office once, but fortunately no one reprimanded me or notified my parents. However, that experience was enough to teach me to control myself more. One event stands out in particular. I was walking home one day and a group of my bullies happened to walk up to me. One of them asked if I could see. I said yes. Then he streched his eyes and declaring "I can't see!" and stumbled out into the street when a car happened to be passing through. The car stopped and beeped the boy, stimulating gales of laughter from everyone else.
I hoped that goig to a new school would help. By this time, my trust had been severely damaged and I carry numerous inward scars. At first, it did help, and I was making new friends. However, I bumped into the problem of not having a tight group of friends to call my own since I wanted to be friendly w/ tons of people. However, in the last peer leader meeting, they handed out cards and we had to write what we would miss the most about each other. I wrote as a friendly rib on this boy who spew lots of comments in class "Your smart ass comments". You would have thought I called him an asshole, the way he reacted. The threats reemerged, except that people actually tried to stand up for me [thank you all] and only two people [boys] were doing it. The smart ass waned off a bit after I explained myself and apoligized, but now another boy is really on my case a lot. He would taunt "You wanna fight?" and say that I can't speak English [the only language I'm fluent in], I have no friends, and that everyon thinks it's funny when he hassles me b/c they all hate me. I had grown a bit accustomed to this kind of thing by now, but it still cut deep.
As of now, I am lonely, depressed and contemplating suicide, although I'm terrified by the finality of it, it would be a sign of weakness and insanity for me to do it, and I lack the means. I find it difficult to open up to anyone, and i live w/ my back to the wall. I am trying to destroy my emotions [one of my friends says "Emotions is the one thing that makes us human."] Yeah, but I'm not allowed to be human. I am growing stronger from this experience at the same time. I learned that if you're weird or strange, then that's good- it means that you are unique and not a boring wallflower. To anyone feeling the same way as me, I'm here for you if you need someone to relate with. Sorry this is so long, but I really needed to vent. Thank for taking the time to read this, and stay strong. Things will improve eventually.
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