Thanks for giving me a chance to tell my story. No-one ever wanted to know at the time, and they certainly don't want to know now.
I was bullied for 9 years. From the age of 7 to the age of 16 when I finished my school career I walked into school every day knowing that I was going to be in hell. It started when I moved to a new school in Gosport and was picked on for my accent by these girls in my class, and teased relentlessly by the girl down the road. I developed chronic headaches and was often sent home for them by mid-day. The Doctor diagnosed me as being allergic to cheese and chocolate. So now I had to put up with being in hell and not being able to eat 2 of my favourite foods.
After a year we moved back to Somerset. I was ecstatic and thought everything would be fine again. I couldn't have been more wrong. In the year I was away everything had changed, especially me. This was also the year that I learned adults don?t care. I was sat on the steps in the playground while 50 of my school-colleagues surrounded me calling me a weirdo, and the variations on that theme. Less than a foot away stood a dinner-lady, who ignored the whole event until I lost it and told them all to "F--- Off". Then she decides to intervene - to take me to the Headmaster for swearing!
For the rest of my time at school I did my best to rise above it. Most of the time it wasn't physical bullying, but about once a year it would escalate into it, and I'd break and lose it. I'm not proud of it but I will admit that that amongst other things I broke a girls fingers. At these times the harassment I'd been suffering would come out - and everyone would act all surprised. They hadn't suspected anything apparently. I'd try to keep smiling as back then, and even now, I hate the idea of worrying anyone, and apparently I was a really good actress because inside I was dying.
The only reason I didn't take my own life was because I couldn't stand causing my parents that kind of pain, to this day they don't know that I was that close. Instead I prayed to die each night in my sleep. I read about sudden death happening in teenagers while they slept, I begged God to let that happen to me.
I beseeched to be home-schooled but Mum had to work, pleaded to be moved to a different school but I was told that it would just follow me. My Mum did everything else that she could but nothing worked. (She confided in me not long ago that she feels it was her fault that this happened to me, it pains me that she feels that)
Most the teachers were helpful. My tutor for the last 3 years watched and supported me, some of the others appreciated my individuality. Only one did serous damage, he was year head for 4th and 5th year, he refused to help me because I didn?t fit the mould. The real kick in the teeth came when I collected my G.C.S.E certificates. Slipped inside from him was a certificate for being "Off the wall against the odds!" I had a very cathartic experience burning it.
I forgave them. I had too or I would be bitter and twisted. But it still hurts. I?m paranoid about what people think of me now, I have an eating disorder that I?m trying to combat and have lost the chance to continue my education after I dropped out of college due to depression.
When I left school someone wrote in my leavers book: "I don't think I?ve ever met someone who can take so much s*#t from her friends but still be there for them when they need her. I really admire you. You are a lovely person." The people she talks about weren't my friends but people who took advantage and then left me. What I want to know so desperately now is if people saw me like that then?
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