Although it is hard to admit, I have gone through some hard times as well. These days its somewhat easier to keep the "cool" image and not to talk about it anymore. But I can still feel remains deep inside. It is that stream of viciousnes that Ive learned. And also many things I have thought about along the way. After all it was me to propose a "Who is an asocial person" theme for highschool paper and intended to write about the shootings. I didnt at last since I have realised that what I would express the others would probably misunderstand -- so I did not want my name connected with anything like that.
Well my hard years were while on basic school. To be brief, I was a smart but rather introverted and not too brave kid who lived in an emotionally confusing family climate. It was hard for me to face a "manly" challenge for a fight or a ridicule since I can remember. After second grade I generally preferd to stay home rather then go out to play (we lived in what could be best described as housing projets). But for a long time I was lucky and nobody bothered me systematically.
The things have changed as there was a special class established for talented children with extended teaching of languages. I ended up there and groups of kids got mixed. Things were still OK as long as we had a young and talented class teacher. But after he left he was replaced by various "spare" teachers with rather poor attitude.
Then was it when one guy in class who has shown both intellect and psychopathic traits started to form a clique of other boys to enforce the macho values. This one person since he was agressive and studied karate was feared by all at least not to confront him openly. Step after step he introduced harsh discipline and terror.
For a year or so i maintained distance from their verbal abuse and ridicule by scaring them of: I started to carry sharpened nails as weapons, developed a nasty vocabulary etc. Though, the attacks were constant and grew stronger.
At that time a new teacher -- of the "old school" -- started to recquire extreme discipline and drill. That was a sharp change hard to adjust to for most of the kids. So suddenly we all had bad grades.That was too much to take for my ambitious father and even my mother said she could not protect me any longer when I got a first D. There was quite a pressure on me to perform above average.
It was about that time that I had given this front up and started to work hard at school not to be bothered by fathers choleric outbursts any more. But, it made things amongst my schoolmates even worse. It was short after this turn that my resistance to them was broken, too.
The clique paid me a "friendly" visit at home, touching all my stuff, doing as they pleased. When they were satisfied and about to leave I went to kitchen and took a knife there to make them run away. But the psychopats will was stronger then mine and he got me scared and took the knife away. Then they left and I cryied of desperation for the first and the last time.
For afer this incident there was a very little hope for me. In next two years I got completely submitted to the psychopaths will. Step by step. I had to sit by his side at the table to service him and so that he could torture me whenever he pleased. I got put down mentally and punished physically. It was not staged fights; rather shere torture. They used to say I needed to be taught a lesson. Only once they have staged a fight between me and one guy we were partly befriended with (which I have lost and almost broken my arm in). The rest of the class despised me, called me names or was too scared to do a thing. Teachers did not care.
After all I was all too lucky that somebody told my parents and they tried to help me. First they wanted to make me solve it by myself, that did not help a lot. So they threatened psychopaths parents with a trial. Then the psychopat left me alone.
That improved my situation considerably -- I did not have to fear substantial torture any more. But it did not solve my bottom status in class. The verbal abuse and ridicule by some kids continued, I was considered a rat and still the biggest outsider in class.
Then the vacation came when I was about to turn 13 and enter the eight grade. Parents sent me to Norway and there, far away from all the pressure it was where I started to think and work to change my status. Also because I thought there would not be a chance for a girlfriend with a bad reputation such as I had. So the easiest thing to change to surprise my classmates was to solve the overweight and sport clumsiness problems. And indeed I started to excersise and keep a diet. By the end of the summer I could have done hundreds of pushups and such a day. But things went out of hand and I could not stop losing weight.
Soon after I entered eight grade I ended up in a mental hospital. Even though my classmates were sort of surprised by my rapid change and treatet me somewhat differently, by then I got so far detached there wasnt an easy way back. I did not laugh in few months.
In the mental hospital was it where I perhaps for the first time got openly selfdestructive thoughts. But also was it first place to have a little healthier social relations -- us troubled kids had to stick together. I lost fear of pain and death. For two months or so I resisted, exercising secretly.
Eventually, they have broken my resistance by having me tied to a bed and feeding me with a rubber hose -- by the time my muscle corset was so developed they had a hard time to feed me even that way.
Then whatever, they managed to tape me together a little bit in the total time of four months. I started over at the same school, in the same class. Things have gotten much better there while our psychopat have calmed down and discovered his interest in girls. People had much better attitude towards me but now the problem laid in me.
After the "quickfix" I had somewhat extended confidence and was determined not to take a thing from anyone anymore which resulted in my quite confrontative approach. As soon as any kid started to "test" me I replied with a curse. I cursed harshly at any percieved enemy... I even tried to push around the weaker kids to get some safe status. But still I missed chances to befriend the top clique, and got stuck with the outsiders, which led to increased amounts of ridicule I was getting. Each day after school I went to bed early only to think of what has happened that day and how to protect myself the next.
Within a year or so I have developped quite vicious and vindictive mentality as well, as I became increasingly isolated again. After what I have come through in the mental hospital I saw ANY means of protection and eventual vengance as justified. Soon I carried plenty of weapons in my schoolbag: a knife, a hammer, a stick and sometimes even petrol. The guys in class knew theyd have trouble if they ridiculed me directly so they for instance set boys from other class up on me. I contemplated at having one of them beaten up poured with petrol and lit at one time and had plenty of other violent fantasies. I also inclined to agressive skinhead music which spread through the school at the time. Our psychopat simply HAD to become involved with neo-nazis, ofcourse.
Eventually, in a verbal confrontation when one of the guys who had bullied me before threatened he might beat me up, I decided to make an counter attack. So I waited for him with a friend in front of his house and attacked him with a knife (I was smart not to mess him up too much so he only got cuts on legs, arms and back, it was also last year I could not be prosecuted because of age). It made a little sense but that I knew I probably would not survive if my will was broken again and was willing to take extreme measures to prevent that from happening.
After that parents put me to another school where I finished the last year and went on high school, where things got better thanks to some psychological help as well. Was there any legal consequence? Yes, my family had to refurbish the damage. But besides that, nobody was willing to stir the whole affair up at court, knowing I was not the original agressor...
So that is about all of my basic school story. Since then I have led a changingly successful life, with periods of depression, self hatred, desperation and suicidal thoughts. Albeit I am inclined towards art by nature, my experiencies got me wind up at a humanistic major. I would love to say I have overcome it all. And there were times it seemed I did. Yet there were many other times when things went wrong and then it all ads up together again. It is still not clear whether Ill be the survivor or not.
I wish You all out there good luck, dont let them put You down!
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